JOURNAL
You are not your problems
"I'm just an anxious person." "I've always been depressed." "I'm a terrible parent."
If you've ever said things like this, you're not alone. Most of us merge our struggles with our identity so completely that we can't tell where the person ends and the problem begins.
But here's what's actually true: your problems aren't who you are. They're experiences you're having, challenges you're facing, or difficulties you're dealing with. There's a whole, capable person underneath all of that—and recognizing this difference changes everything.
This shift in perspective is called externalization, and it's one of the most powerful tools in narrative therapy. It's not about positive thinking or pretending problems don't hurt. It's about seeing yourself clearly for the first time.
When E. first walked into therapy, she introduced herself as "the angry mum." Not someone who sometimes felt angry—she was anger itself. This wasn't just how she felt; it had become her entire identity.
"I felt completely trapped," E. says. "Every time I lost my patience with my kids, it just proved what I already believed about myself. I couldn't see any way to change because I thought anger was just who I was as a person."
In narrative therapy, E.'s therapist started asking different questions:
Notice something important here: these questions treat anger as separate from E. Not as her fundamental nature, but as something external that sometimes affects her life.
Over time, E. began seeing herself as a person who sometimes experiences anger, rather than "an angry mum." That small shift—from being the problem to having the problem—created space for change that hadn't existed before.
"I realized I wasn't broken," E. explains. "I was just a person dealing with something difficult. And people dealing with difficult things can learn new ways to handle them."
When you separate yourself from your problems, something remarkable occurs. Instead of all your energy going into feeling ashamed about who you are, you can actually focus on dealing with what you're experiencing.
You gain clarity
When you're not the problem, you can observe it more clearly. You can get curious about how it operates, when it shows up, and what gives it strength. It's like studying something from the outside instead of being trapped inside it.
You discover your strengths
Here's what most people don't realize: you've been resisting your problems all along, even in small ways. When problems aren't "just who you are," you can finally see the courage, creativity, and persistence you've been showing in facing your challenges.
You find new possibilities
When your identity isn't fused with the problem, change becomes imaginable. Instead of trying to change your fundamental nature (impossible), you're working on changing your relationship with something external (much more manageable).
Shame loses its grip
Problems thrive on shame and secrecy. When you externalize a problem—seeing it as separate from your core self—shame often decreases naturally. You can talk about what you're dealing with more openly, which usually reduces its power over you.
From "perfectionist" to "person dealing with the taskmaster"
J. had identified as a perfectionist his entire life. "I thought it was just my personality," he says. "Sometimes helpful, sometimes painful, but definitely me."
In narrative therapy, J. started calling perfectionism "the taskmaster." This simple naming created enough distance for him to see what was actually happening.
"Once I saw the taskmaster as separate from me, I could choose when to listen to it and when to tell it to back off," J. explains. "I noticed it had specific tactics—comparing me to others, moving the goalposts whenever I achieved something. But these were the taskmaster's strategies, not mine."
J. learned to negotiate with the taskmaster rather than automatically obeying it. "I'm still the same person, but I'm not controlled by perfectionism the way I used to be. I can appreciate what it's trying to do—help me create excellent work—while setting boundaries around its influence."
From "damaged goods" to "person who's been through difficult things"
"After my divorce, I saw myself as completely broken," R. shares. "My therapist helped me understand that while I was wounded, those wounds weren't my identity. They were things that had happened to me, not who I was. This perspective gave me permission to heal instead of just accepting that I was damaged."
From "failure" to "person on a learning journey"
"I used to see every setback as proof that I was fundamentally flawed," M. explains. "Through narrative therapy, I've rewritten that story. Now I see myself as someone who's learning through challenges. Problems aren't evidence of my inadequacy—they're opportunities to discover capabilities I didn't know I had."
Want to experience externalization for yourself? Here's something you can do right now:
This simple shift—from "I am the problem" to "I'm dealing with the problem"—can create just enough space for new possibilities to emerge.
You are not your anxiety. You are not your depression. You are not your relationship struggles or your parenting challenges or your work stress.
You are a whole person with values, strengths, hopes, and capabilities who happens to be facing certain difficulties. Those difficulties are real, and your feelings about them make complete sense. But they are not you.
When you separate yourself from your problems, you reclaim authorship of your own story. You move from being defined by struggles to being someone who faces challenges with whatever resources you can muster.
At Hurt Feelings, we know you're not broken, and we don't treat you like you are. You're the expert on your own life, and our job is to ask questions that help you remember what you already know about your own strength and capability.
Your problems are not your identity. Your hurt feelings are not a character flaw. Your struggles are not evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with you.
You are a person dealing with difficult things. And that's a completely different starting point for change.
Ready to stop being the problem and start dealing with the problem?
Contact us to learn more about how narrative therapy can help you separate from the struggles that have felt like part of your identity.